So much can be encompassed in “it”. We’re all going through “it”, regardless of all the good things or celebrations in life, it seems that the “bad” things outshine them. I was prompted to write about my “it”. My “it” seems like Mount Everest right now. I know all the old adages, “silver linings”, “everything happens for a reason”, “it could be worse”. I know, my mind knows this but my heart breaks. My heart doesn’t understand these adages, my heart doesn’t accept them. However, here “it” is.

August 8th, 2021 was the last time I saw my grandparents well. My grandmother, who was pretty sick to begin with, had a caregiver who came to work sick. This caregiver’s whole family had tested positive for Covid and this “caregiver” came to my grandparent’s home, my respiratory compromised grandparents, she came to their home sick. Coughing, sniffling, my grandmother pleaded for her to go home, “I’ll go in a little while”, the “caregiver” said. This woman never left, she stayed her measly 3 hours, and those few dollars she made? Well I guess they were worth my grandparent’s lives, because they contracted Covid and passed away.

My grandmother went quickly. She went to the ER on a Saturday and by that Thursday she was gone. My grandfather on the other hand, sigh…my grandfather.

He went in on August 21st and after a month plus of intubations, extubations, cardiac arrest and being in that bed, he went home on September 29th on hospice care, end of life. The time my grandpa was in the hospital was an emotional rollercoaster for me and my family. We had hope, for my grandfather who was active and was not “sick” before this hospitalization. He had chronic problems, yes, but he wasn’t sick. This was the most time he had ever spent in a hospital. He passed on October 1st.

He held on. I know he didn’t want to go, I don’ t think it was because he was afraid. I just think he wasn’t ready. We weren’t ready, no one was.

Something that angered me while he was in the hospital was his doctor saying, “good thing he got that vaccine, it could’ve been worse”. I wondered what could be worse than having a machine breathe for you, having to be restrained to a bed with mitts on because you don’t want a tube down your throat and you try to take it out, what could be worse than being away from your family, unable to communicate with them, worse than your heart stopping and it having to be violently restarted? What could be worse? Death? Sometimes I want to call her and ask her what’s worse than death. The vaccine did nothing for him.

I don’t care what your stance is on the vaccine, that’s your choice, for now at least… my point: this is the hardest and most painful experience I have endured thus far in my 30+ years of being on this earth. I know many of us have endured hardships, loss, pain, heartbreak.

What motivates you to keep going? How do you get through it? Do you?